GAME OF THRONES 6.09 - "BATTLE OF THE BASTARDS"

Ah, that hit the spot.  “Battle Of The Bastards” was light on surprises and heavy on stupidity, but it was still quite satisfying for all that.  It delivered payoffs years in the making, in particular the horrible death of Ramsay.  Any episode that included him getting pummeled by Jon and fed to his own dogs by Sansa was going to automatically be one of the most favored episodes of the series, but we also get to see Tormund rip the throat out of badjon Umber and the slavers put down once and for all over in Mereen.

In Mereen, the stupidity is on the masters’ side, as they somehow managed to be blindsided by Dany pressing the “DRAGONS” button.  Even assuming they somehow missed that the big one dropped her off at the top of the giant pyramid they were in the process of attacking the night before, they make reference to the fact that she still has 2 others chained up in the city, either one of which would’ve been enough to burn through their fleet.  And besides, it’s not like Drogon appearing out of nowhere to ruin the Harpys’ surprise attack was without precedent. This was like attacking a McDonalds and not having a plan for when they start throwing McNuggets.

"Wait a tick...didn't this exact same thing happen to us in episode 9 last year?"

Despite the most extensive dragon action maybe ever, Grey Worm swiping a hard left on 2 of the 3 main masters, and the most ridiculously overpowered cavalry charge ever when Daario brings an entire hoard of thousands down on about 10 Harpy footmen, the more exciting development was four people standing in a room talking.  The masters have never been more than a speed bump, albeit a frustratingly persistent one.  The Greyjoys are much more significant characters, and their significance is to Westeros, which is what actually matters in the end.  Letting Dany interact with real characters is always better than watching her awkwardly mount CGI dragons.  She and Yara hit it off pretty much instantly (oh, there will be fanfic…), which leads to the women agreeing perhaps too quickly to major concessions in cementing an otherwise natural alliance.  On Dany’s end, she agrees to grant the Iron Islands’ some measure of independence mainly because they asked nicely, which Tyrion rightly points out will lead to Dorne and the Vale and the North asking why they shouldn’t be independent as well.  While on Yara’s, she agrees to overhaul the entire cultural identity and economic backbone of the Islands at a stroke, something that is easier promised than delivered.

"My dad was an evil murderer."

"Shut up!  My dad was an evil murderer!"

"Did we just become best friends?"
(#boatsandhoes)

But there will be more on that once Euron is dealt with, I imagine.  The rest of the episode is given over to the titular Battle, where none of the Starks are operating at their sharpest.  They could all stand to learn something from Davos, who susses out what happened to Shireen, but has enough sense to deal with the battle at hand before seeking retribution.  Tormund is shown to be no great mind when it comes to tactics (or idioms), but even he or Rickon “never heard of a zigzag” Stark look like geniuses compared to Jon and Sansa.  Jon at least he has seething rage to justify his abandoning all strategy and charging the entire enemy army alone.  It’s still extremely dumb, particularly considering that they had specifically discussed the impossibility of saving Rickon and importance of not letting false hope of doing so trick them into giving up what meager advantage they have.  

But his emotional stupidity is at least grounded in the minor death wish he's manifested since returning from the relative peace of oblivion, as evidenced by his request that Melisandre not resurrect him a second time.  And it is nothing compared to the abject, ludicrous idiocy Sansa displays by not telling Jon that, oh yeah, there is a whole other army out there that has offered to help.  I understand her rejecting Littlefinger’s offer in the first place, but once she decides to write him I can’t fathom why she would keep it secret from the her own men at arms.  Particularly once she’s pleading with Jon not to force the battle until they have more men and he’s point blank asking "when are we going to have more men??"   Now, maybe she thought the element of surprise was worth more than getting houses like the Glovers onside by convincing them it was not a lost cause.  That still seems like something to discuss with the battle commanders, but I can still get behind it as a plausible, if not wise, decision.  But you don’t have to be Sun Tzu to know that they would draw up very different battle plans if they knew there was an extra thousand cavalry coming to help.  And then to argue that we should wait for more men while actively hiding the availability of those men is completely dumbfounding.  I mean, what happens if Littlefinger shows up 3 minutes later?  Oh right, the entire Stark force is wiped out and either the Boltons retain Winterfell or it goes to the pimp by default.

Though I suppose she did learn the art of stupid subterfuge from the best

What particularly irks about this is that you could have played out roughly the same events without the suicidal stupidity by the characters.  Instead of the arrow game, have Ramsay start strapping Rickon to a cross in preparation to flay him on the field.  That could force Jon to order a charge despite knowing it was a bad idea to give up their protected position, and one that would not be a complete act of suicide since he would be bringing the entire army instead of just himself.  And on Sansa’s end, have her tell Jon about the knights of the Vale, but give him a reason to advocate not waiting for them.  Something as simple as a winter storm coming in, that they do not have the provisions to wait out if they are stuck outside Winterfell.  So he says we have to fight today, or become sitting ducks, while she says wait for reinforcements.  Same basic conflict, but with defensible motivations to support their positions.

But that’s enough dwelling on the dumbness, because we got to see Ramsay’s demise, and “only” lost Rickon and Wun Wun (sidebar:  lucky for Jon that Ramsay decided to put his arrow in the already dying giant’s eye, rather than his bastard rival, huh?)  in the process.  That’s enough to be one of the most memorable episodes of the show, even if I think it falls short of standards set by previous Big Battle episodes like “Blackwater” (still the show’s finest hour, imo), “Hardhome” (the show’s best action sequence, imo), and “Watchers On The Wall” (similarly huge scale, without making the characters’ completely dunderheaded).  And if this episode is light on surprising twists, I think that's a natural symptom of the show entering the home stretch.  In the early and middle portions, a show like this can get a lot of mileage out of upending convention and spinning the story in unexpected ways.  But when it comes time to conclude things, after years of establishing a particular storytelling ethos, the possibilities become much more limited.  Once all the set up is locked in place, there are only so many pay-offs that will register as earned.  Which is to say, if the twists aren't quite as shocking anymore, it doesn't necessarily mean that Benioff, Weiss, or Martin have lost a step; just that we've had more time to study their habits and practice predicting their moves.

I would also be remiss if I didn't comment on how superbly directed it was by Miguel Sapochnik.  The claustrophobic terror of Jon being crushed under the mob of fleeing men was exceptionally, queasily realized, and Jon’s ride to save Rickon was edited to perfection to make a foregone conclusion hit as hard as possible.  Then you have the long one-take of Jon fighting, the incredible hero shot of him facing down the cavalry charge with Longclaw in hand, and things like Tormund and Wun Wun climbing out of the scrum to chase Ramsay, or the gorgeous shot of Davos standing by the pyre as the sun begins to rise.  “Battle Of The Bastards” may not have been the heroes’ smartest hour, but it was tense, brutal, genuinely exhausting and generally as well-realized as medieval battle sequences get.  Plus Wun Wun picked up a guy and ripped his head off his body, so he gets awarded a posthumous Who Shmushed It Better? Award.

Subplot Report Card: 

Mereen:   B+  

The North:  A- (no amount of Stark stupidity can ruin Ramsay’s utter defeat and gruesome demise)

Season Morgulis:  Doran Martell, Trystane Martell, Areo Hotah, Roose Bolton, Walda Bolton, Balon Greyjoy, (-Jon Snow), Shaggydog, Bowen Marsh, Othell Yarwyck, Alister Thorne, Olly, Osha, Khal Moro, Euron Greyjoy (-Euron Greyjoy), Summer, Leaf The Child Of The Forest, The Wargist Formerly Known As The Three Eyed Raven, HODOR, Septon Swearengen, Brynden “Blackfish” Tully, Lady Crane, the Waif, Rickon Stark, Badjon Umber, Wun Wun, Ramsay Bolton

Death Watch:  I think Tommen burns up in the sept next week, with Lancel, Septa Unella and the High Sparrow as well.  I’m also going to say Walder Frey learns that A Girl is not No One. 

GAME OF THRONES 6.08 - "NO ONE"

After two surprisingly bloodless weeks, “No One” gets back to fatal business.  Both Clegane brothers get their slaughter on after a considerable homicide hiatus, Arya murders her way out of a murderers’ club, and full blown war has broken out in Mereen.  But the most significant death is the Blackfish, who goes down with the Riverrun ship.  Presumably, anyway, since the death happens offscreen, and the recent spat of character resurrections compels me to ponder how he could have slipped away again.  I can’t think of any reason why he would lie to Brienne and Pod only to take an alternate escape route, much less what reason a Lannister lieutenant would have to help cover it up.  But such is the lay of the land in season 6, so I’ll just say that it’s going to be real dumb if the Blackfish turns out to have survived again.

 "Wait, I'm still in the next book?  That can't be right."

But let’s not dwell on hypothetical negatives, when there are ample positives in the Riverrun storyline.  The Bronn/Pod reunion was a nice moment of levity in an otherwise depressing storyline, and the old cutthroat’s evident delight at seeing the boy again made for another in the series of happy reunions this season has provided, from Jon and Sansa to Dany and Jorah to the surprisingly affable meeting of the Hound and Brotherhood, to the episode’s main attraction of Brienne and Jaime.  Jaime claims to only care about Cersei, but his actions give lie to that sentiment when he deals with The Beauty.  What I like about this relationship is that the show has given us no shortage of examples of pious heroes having their lofty morals challenged by more ambiguous antiheroes, be it Dany or Brienne or literally any of the Starks.  Jaime himself functioned in this manner for several characters in the past, but his dynamic with Brienne has changed, to the point where it’s her unwavering honor that challenges his cynicism.

And it does have an effect.  Jaime tells her he’s proud of her service to his house’s enemies, refuses to take back the sword he gifted her, and honors his agreement to let the Tully soldiers live even after she #Briennefail-s to convince the Blackfish to give up the castle and/or come North to help out at Winterfell.  But the Kingslayer hasn’t gone completely soft, as he is still able to threaten Edmure into betraying the castle.  Which should come as no surprise to anyone given that he is played by UK’s foremost gormless actor, Tobias Menzies.  He’s sort of the British Paul Dano, parlaying his inverted jawline into a notable career playing men whose awareness of their own weaknesses does not allow them to overcome that weakness (only with a more aristocratic bent, because British).  It is obvious that he’s not going to somehow get the better of Jaime in this exchange, but you still want to slap him around a bit for falling for the line he does.  Yes, threatening to kill a baby is horrible, but Edmure has no reason to believe that such a child even exists, much less that it is his own, much less that life as a hostage at Casterly Rock with a family he doesn’t know (except that his family was slaughtered by his bride’s on their wedding night) will be much of an upgrade from life as a prisoner of war, much less that the people that murdered his family would keep their word once he’s surrendered the only chip he still holds, all the rest notwithstanding.  

 

Not pictured: guile, severity, chin

But really, Jaime’s essentially bloodless victory is just about the best result that could be hoped for from this situation.  But even that is apt to turn to ash in his mouth, as Cersei is set to (stop me if you’ve heard this one) do something rash.  After having the Frankenmountain awesomely decapitate a Faith flunky, she finds out that trial by combat has been abolished.  Which is an important step towards the development of a legal system that isn’t stupider than flambeed shit, but puts the queen regent in a tight spot.  And given her history of drastic action when cornered, the lack of an angel on her shoulder to talk her down, Qyburn’s ominous whispers about confirming "rumors", Jaime’s comments about her willingness to “burn cities to ash”, and Bran’s visions showing caches of wildfire blowing up, one can surmise that the season finale is likely to feature the great sept going up in green flame.  Probably with Tommen and the Sparrow in it, but perhaps also with some Tyrells, and also probably also taking a big chunk of the city with it.  And I can’t believe I’m saying it, but I really hope the Frankenmountain doesn’t go with them, because I still want “Who Smushed It Better” to become a recurring segment in this space.

 We're not going to be sticklers about the definition

of "smushed" here.  This counts and then some.

This week the Mountain again triumphs in the head-abuse stakes, with his manual removal of the idiot’s head while Lancel looks on in horror, and Qyburn with wide eyes and a tent in his robes.  This beats out his brother, who beheads one brigand and splits another’s skull, but requires an axe to do the job.  He does heckle the one guy’s choice of final curses, though, in the most in-character moment imaginable. Then he sits down with the long-lost Thoros and Berric to hear the good (I guess?) news about the Lord Of Light.  It’s strange how those guys are just about as devout as the Faith Militant, and to a god that seems actively sinister in his demands (as opposed to the Seven, who have given no indication of even being "real" like the LoL or Drowned God), and yet I like them while I despise the sparrows.  Part of that is that their ministry seems more focused on actually going out and doing shit in the world than scolding people.  But it's also just that the actors have an appealing world-weariness to them that helps to ground the increasingly fantastical nature of the show.  I still think that the Hound was one resurrection too many, and Thoros just opens the door for more, but at least the conversation won’t be dull. 

Speaking of interesting conversation, Tyrion finally draws an amusing exchange out of Missandei and Grey Worm, coaxing them into drinking and even (gasp) telling jokes.  Then the masters' fleet shows up for the world’s shortest siege.  Hopefully Drogon burning the slaver fleet means the end of them as a purported threat, since the dragons are such an X factor that it’s impossible to take them seriously as such.  The sooner Dany gets on her way to Westeros, the better, especially now that Varys and Jorah are both out of the mix.  Unfortunately, there’s still got to be some payoff or complication to come from Tyrion’s deal with the red priestesses, and Yara and Theon haven’t arrived yet, so I don’t see her taking off until next year.     

For she is the Mother Of Dragons, Breaker

 of  Chains, and Trier of Patience

But there is finally forward momentum in Arya’s storyline, as her time in Braavos appears to be done, following a rather absurd parkour chase that simply longs for Yakkety Sax to be placed under it.  The sequence is shot very well (I particularly like the bit of the waif sprinting off a nearby roof when it seems Arya may have lost her), it’s just ridiculous that she is doing these things when she should be in intensive care.  At one point, Arya actually slides on her stomach under a cart, and pops up with no indication that she has multiple large, fresh stab wounds on said stomach.  But she does eventually lead her back to her hideout, where Needle and the darkness put the Waif at a disadvantage.  And then Arya cuts off her freaking face and brings it back to the House, which is some hardcore shit.  Then she gets the drop on Jaqen, but simply says her name and walks away, which is a remarkably mild turn after having just cut the freaking face off the Waif and slapped it on the wall.  Jaqen himself seems oddly proud of her rejection, but his beliefs are such that I’m not sure that will stop him from appearing out of nowhere to stab her just after she crosses off the last name on her list.  But that’s for the very end of the show, once she's taken care of some Freys.  For now, and wonky execution aside, it’s enough that at least she and Varys are heading back to Westeros, where the real wars will be fought.  Starting next week, with, gods be good, the end of Ramsay’s reign of terror.

Subplot Report Card: 

Riverrunnin’:   A (Edmure’s capitulation is frustrating, but the character stuff is on point)

King’s Landin’:  A  (The Mountain pulled that head off with ONE HAND.  Come on.)

Houndin’: A- (I guess the elaborate kissing prank around the campfire serves as a bit of world-building, but it also feels, with the end coming into sight, like a waste of increasingly scant screentime.)

Adios Braavos:  B (Speaking of squandering screentime, we haven’t had a single scene in weeks to give us an update on the situation in Dorne, or Rickon’s experience in captivity, or Sansa interact with the witch that brought her brother back to life, but in the meantime I have seen 3 separate performances of Lady Crane’s play.)

Mereen:  B+ (nitpick: after the siege is underway, why has Grey Worm still not put on his armor and armed himself with more than a knife?)

Season Morgulis:  Doran Martell, Trystane Martell, Areo Hotah, Roose Bolton, Walda Bolton, Balon Greyjoy, (-Jon Snow), Shaggydog, Bowen Marsh, Othell Yarwyck, Alister Thorne, Olly, Osha, Khal Moro, Euron Greyjoy (-Euron Greyjoy), Summer, Leaf The Child Of The Forest, The Wargist Formerly Known As The Three Eyed Raven, HODOR, Septon Swearengen, Brynden “Blackfish” Tully, Lady Crane, the Waif

Death Watch:  Why didn’t I just take the easy way out and pick the Waif?  Or the Blackfish, since I was predicting he would come up short in that storyline anyway?  I still feel like Grey Worm or Missandei will die before Dany leaves Mereen, but I don’t know when that will happen now.  I feel like the focus has to go to the North next episode, for the big episode 9 battle, so I’m going to say Davos, because Wun Wun feels like cheating.  I’m also marking Walder Frey, Tommen, and Lancel Lannister for death by the finale, though I wouldn’t be surprised if none of them appear next week.  

GAME OF THRONES 6.07 - "THE BROKEN MAN"

I imagine most fans are happy to see the Hound back in action, as he is a great character.  But I am not.  This season has already seen Jon and Melisandre destroy the finality of death, fraying the basic stakes that all of the shows conflicts rely upon.  It’s also seen Benjen pop up partially-zombified and the Blackfish raise an army out of nowhere, in feats of narrative, if not physical, resurrection.  And now the Hound is back.  No matter how good Rory McCann’s performance is, death is supposed to mean something on this show.  For years, Game Of Thrones stood out from the television (and fantasy) pack by making the threat of death real, and removing its finality puts us in that predictable place where mere mortal shows dwell.  Where if any ambiguity is left about the gory details of a character’s demise, it can be taken as a given that they will be back.  Beyond the predictability and general limpness such storytelling produces, I also don’t want to have to start spending 2/3 of these reviews parsing out whether each death is for real or how it could possibly be undone.  Or have all the comments revolve solely around theories about how Syrio Forel survived as a Faceless Man, or Stannis is still living out in the woods somewhere, or how Cersei’s trial by combat will feature a rematch because they’re obviously just going to sew Grey Wind’s head onto Oberyn’s body.

In any case, “The Broken Man” proves me remarkably wrong about more than the Hound’s fate. I also said a couple weeks ago that it looked like the table setting phase of the season was over, with various armies on the move. Instead, Margaery and the High Sparrow abruptly pulled the tablecloth out from under the big King’s Landing confrontation, leaving the Tyrell army to slink off while a new table was quickly set at Riverrun.  Don’t get me wrong, the stuff with Jaime and the Blackfish and the Freys is fantastic, and I wouldn’t want to spend a lot of time pointlessly delaying getting to it. But the show’s timeline has become fractured to a problematic degree.

“Yes, it was quite a piss… “

I do realize that despite their intercutting, things happening in different corners of this world are not always taking place simultaneously, and that sometimes plotlines just have to be set aside for awhile before they can be circled back to (hence Blackfish taking a 3 year wizz).  So I don’t care that Jon or Arya’s storylines may dwell on a 2 day period for multiple episodes, while Dany’s is simultaneously jumping forward weeks at a time.  Those storylines are not directly interacting with each other, so they can let episode pacing or thematic mirroring dictate the placement of scenes rather than strict chronology.  But there is a problem when inconsistencies widen between plotlines that are in closer proximity to each other.  And now it seems like Ramsay and his army have been sitting uncharacteristically idle while Jon and Sansa have had time to criss-cross the North, leisurely checking up on this minor house and that. And Littlefinger has just been sitting on his hands for so long that you start to wonder why no one is freaking out about his knights of the Vale occupying a Northern castle.  And the Sand Snakes took over Dorne in the season premiere with the express intention of declaring war on the Lannisters, but 6 episodes later they are still a distant enough threat that Jaime can march their army to the Riverlands (in the course of a single episode) without even mentioning them?  I can still tell you who each faction is and what their basic goal would be, but the logistics of who is within striking distance of what are getting very murky.  And that debases the stakes of the big strategic moves, just as nerfing the threat of death does to the individual stakes.

But enough about what’s bad, because there was a lot of good stuff going on here as well, on a scene by scene basis. As mentioned, everything at Riverrun is great. This is a primo Game Of Thrones conflict, in that we have rooting interests on both sides.  Obviously we want the Blackfish to hold his familial home rather than surrender it to the odious Freys, but we’re also probably ready to see Jaime get a win of some sort, and to see Bronn get his lordship. We are at least happy to see the Kingslayer slap those dipshit Freys around.  But both sides can’t win, and I don’t see the Tullys pulling this one out.  I just don’t see the good guys taking back everything they lost in the Red Wedding this season; GOT may be pulling more punches than it used to, but I don’t think it’s essential ethos has changed to that degree.  And I don’t see how the Starks can survive a loss to Ramsay Bolton, whereas it’s much easier to picture a home stretch without Edmure or the Blackfish, so…

But the old man is resolved to fight it out to the very end, and good on him for it.  The question of whether to fight is more difficult for others.  Theon requires a stern peptalk from Yara, urging him to reclaim his lost manhood (figuratively, obviously).  The Hound is told by Septon Swearengen that he is meant for something more than violence, even as events conspire to tell him otherwise.  And most directly, the Starks have to go door to door, begging Houses already ravaged by their wars to sign on for another go round.  Tormund and Wun Wun convince the Wildlings that they are damned if they don’t, and Davos uses his way with little girls (not as creepy as it sounds) to get the ferocious lil’ lady Mormont on board, in the episode’s most delightful scenes.  I can’t believe Ian fucking McShane, who I believe to have given one of the single best dramatic performances in the history of any medium on Deadwood, had his debut overshadowed by an unknown ten year old girl, but these are strange days we live in. Even Bronn’s long-awaited return couldn’t hold a candle to her adorable pugnacity.

Gods, please let this be the lady Bronn winds up engaged to

It’s Sansa who fails to bring the larger House Glover into the fold, which has her rethinking her hasty rebuke of Littlefinger.  Which is for the good, I think, because while her furor at him is wholly justified, he finally has something tangible to offer her when she needs it, rather than a vague promise to help her at some future point if she just plays along with this horrid marriage arrangement or that.  It would have been helpful to be able to mention the support of the Vale to Lord Glover, who wanted reassurance that he wouldn’t be joining a lost cause.  Or they could have at least brought up that Glovers were also, presumably, killed by the Boltons at the Red Wedding.  They saved their weakest effort for last, these Starks, but I suppose they’re tired from riding across half a continent in an afternoon.

Finally, in King’s Landing, Lady Olenna has to be convinced not to fight.  The fact that Cersei wants her to makes it easier for her to go along with her Marge’s urging to retreat to Highgarden, but it’s faith in her granddaughter as the true future of House Tyrell that really moves the Queen Of Thorns.  And the young queen is certainly cooking up something.  The High Sparrow counsels her that the marriage bed “does not require desire on a woman’s part, only patience,” which struck me as the type of sentiment that Jaqen would tell Arya, just about killing rather than fucking.  But the old bird does not know how patient ol’ Marge can be.  She’s stepped over two dead kings to get her crown, and if you think she’s going to share it with a dusty old fart who can’t even muster a kind word for the female orgasm, then I have a castle in the Riverlands to sell you.  I have no idea what she is plotting, but not knowing excites me and I instinctively feel it’s more likely to work than any short-sighted plans the Lannisters threw together. My girl does not plot in vain.

Is it next week yet?

“I hope not. I’ve got 2 weeks left, tops.”

Subplot Report Card:

Braavos: B+ (Arya got remarkably careless for someone who knew she was up against shapeshifting, relentless assassins. And for that matter so did the Waif, who ignored Jaqen’s instruction not to let her suffer to literally twist the knife in Arya’s belly rather than going for the throat or heart. But it’s a curveball that did make me jump up in my seat, so I give it credit)

The North: A

Iron Islands: B

Riverrun: A

King’s Landin’: A-

Houndin’: C (this is a weird episode, where the season’s broader structural issues became pronounced enough that it probably makes for my least favorite of the year, but the individual storylines, especially the main ones, were great)

Season Morgulis: Doran Martell, Trystane Martell, Areo Hotah, Roose Bolton, Walda Bolton, Balon Greyjoy, (-Jon Snow), Shaggydog, Bowen Marsh, Othell Yarwyck, Alister Thorne, Olly, Osha, Khal Moro, Euron Greyjoy (-Euron Greyjoy), Summer, Leaf The Child Of The Forest, The Wargist Formerly Known As The Three Eyed Raven, HODOR, Septon Swearengen (this is two remarkably bloodless weeks in a row, with the only speaking part to perish being a one episode wonder)

Death Watch: And once again, I fail, and once again I probably could’ve deduced that my pick wouldn’t even appear if I watched the previews. Oh well, I’m sticking to Grey Worm out of stubbornness, but I’m certainly also worried about Brienne, Pod and the Blackfish. Things are going to go bad at Riverrun, it’s just a question of whether it’s next episode or the following one.